MySpace Love

Q: I’m logged onto one of those “networking” sites and love using it to stay in touch with friends. Lately, I’ve been emailing with a guy. He has told me about his profession and where he lives in our city. I have found myself looking forward to the emails he sends. Now he would like to meet in person, but I’m nervous. How do you feel about meeting people online? How can you be sure they aren’t playing you? And how do I take my comfort level with him from the keyboard to the coffee shop?

A: As someone who met his girlfriend through MySpace, I’m a bit biased.

Frankly, I think we’re at a point at which the stigma of online dating has outlived its usefulness. Meeting people is difficult and the traditional methods suck. Worse yet, situations that used to be great ways for meeting people — sitting next to someone attractive on the bus, for instance — are now almost impossible since that person is probably immersed in text messaging with a friend. The serendipitous opportunities to meet new people outside of our comfortable circles are becoming more and more difficult by the technological leap.

Online dating is just another way of doing it. In fact, I would say that MySpace is preferable to other sites, such as eHarmony, because you have other friends that check out your page. SO, if you write, “I love to run 10 miles a day to keep in shape,” and it’s not true, your friends will call you out on it. That kind of transparency helps increase the trust level.

That being said, its all a crap shoot and you should be on your guard. There are horror stories, but they are so few and far between as to be irrelevant. If you’re uncomfortable, then think of strategies (i.e. the “my aunt is in the hospital” phone call) to make you feel a bit more in control in a situation where there is little.

As I mentioned earlier, my girlfriend and I met on MySpace. Previous to that, I had a mostly normal dating life, but found myself searching for women my age in and around where I live. I saw her page, noticed that she fit several criteria (cute, intelligent, witty and well-grounded), and decided to write. We talked A LOT online for a week-plus and asked her out for coffee. She somewhat reluctantly accepted, but refused to give me her number. We met at a coffee shop, and she had an “emergency” phone call set up, something to which she confessed pretty early on in the conversation. We talked, went to dinner after a couple of hours, went bowling a couple of days later and were “together” within a week. Even before we met, I had a hunch, telling my mom that I was “rooting for this one.”

My point in all of this is that there are no hard-and-fast rules for these things, a pretty universal trend in dating in general. But, there are successes amongst the failures and, if nothing else, that should motivate you to take the chance.

Loose Wrists Sink Ships

Q: Typically, I’m attracted to Johnnie Fratboy with the beer belly and the five o’clock shadow and wrinkled clothes. More recently, I’ve been dating a guy (we’ll call him Mr. Metro) for about three months now, and it has been great.  He drives out to see me, never complains, we have not fought once, and I am constantly told how amazing, beautiful, and perfect I am.  Unfortunately, all my friends think he is gay. He shops at the Banana Republic and Express, and gets excited when we go to Ulta.  He and his best friend (a guy) get their hair done together.  He even has a “man groomer” that he uses to shave his chest hair and personal areas. He has a few gay friends (with whom he’s spending less time), and he doesn’t even know who Led Zeppelin or Clint Eastwood are.  There’s no sexual dysfunction, so I’m really confused right now. Help me out here; is Mr. Metro into dudes or is he just way into himself? – Wearing the Pants

Mr. Fratboy this guy is definitely not.

My Boyish tendency is to say he’s gay, since he’s pretty much fitting the stereotype and I’m feeling like being a jerk today. But, it’s unfair to suggest that he’s gay, unless you catch him with rug burns on his knees (from your profile, I’m sure they won’t be from a home improvement project). If he says he’s straight, you should believe him until he gives you a real reason not to. End of story.

Here’s my question: do you want to just have the pretty boy or do you want to be with him long-term? My concern about your long-term prospects with this guy are centered around his personality. Is he ultra-judgmental? Do you feel the need to be more “feminine” because he pays more attention to his looks than you do? Will he always find you “beautiful and perfect?”

My other question is: what draws you to him? I would feel pretty uncomfortable dating a softball player with a short hair cut who drives a Subaru and listens to k.d. lang. Very little about him seems to be your self-described type. What I did hear in your summary, however, is that he sees you a lot, doesn’t assert himself towards you, tells you a lot of nice things and gives you what you want in bed. It sounds like the perfect relationship if I were interested in having a docile mail-order bride.

I’m going to go out on a limb; you’re looking for some serious affirmation. You either date guys that need to be saved, or you’re dating a guy now who, despite having little in common, will worship the ground you walk on. He needs to have a beautiful woman to help reinforce a corrupted self-image and you need a guy who will tell you all the things you want to hear to justify your presence on this planet. It’s a perfect symbiosis of crazy.

Neither of your types are Men. The first type, the fratboy, is looking for another mother who will look after his needs. Your current boyfriend, the queer preener, needs reassurance that he’s beautiful by keeping around a beautiful woman by any means necessary.

While I know you will not heed this advice, I’ll give it to you anyway: dump the guy and seek some professional assistance. I’m sure there’s some interesting history there for you to figure out why you’re not good enough completely on your own. Not until you’re on a path to womanhood would I consider seriously dating any other guys.

Wow, what got into me today?

Don’t Judge the Herbivore

Q: I know this is a little off topic of what your blog is all about, but I wanted to set the record straight on something. I keep reading in magazines and advice columns that guys do not appreciate a first date who “won’t eat”. Although I do agree that both parties should be fully engaged in the dining experience — and that women should not be afraid to show guys that yes, they need to eat to survive as well — the example given to support this scenario always involve the guy eating large amounts of meat and the girl “picking at” at salad.

The thing is, that I’m a vegetarian. Not only am I completely thrilled at the prospect of a salad for dinner, but at many restaurants, this is one of my only options. I don’t see the point of requesting to go to a restaurant with more options, because, like I said before, I’m completely thrilled with a salad. This very situation has led to more than one uncomfortable first date situation for me. On one date, I was even berated for not ordering more than a salad. Shouldn’t he just be glad that I’m a cheap date? Also, if I’m not judging him for dowing half of a cow, then why should he be upset by me eating my greens? Help me avoid this in the future! ~ Veggie Girl

A: I’ll admit that I would be that guy on the other end, questioning why my date would be ordering a salad (my girlfriend and I, despite being relatively fit, never had this problem). I might even be a little weird about my date being a vegetarian. Funny how our prejudices work, no?

So, to put you guys on notice: the vegetarians are out there. Instead of worrying about what she’s ordering, worry about getting to know her. We’re not out on a date to judge food choices, are we? Many of us omnivores can’t imagine not eating meat, but it’s only fair that we are open to other people’s food choices. If this is something with which you are uncomfortable, don’t let there be a second date. It’s not as if you’re ending it because she has man hands, right?

One more thing, Veggie Girl. There’s actually a few vegetarian dating sits, including Veggie Connection and Veggie Singles 4 You. In fact, a Google search of “vegetarian dating” yielded 1.3 million results. Might be worth a look!

What is With the ‘Three Day Rule’ Anyway?

Q: You go out for a Girl’s Night and the last thing you expect is to meet someone, but you do. The conversation is great, he acts like a gentleman, and finally asks for your number. When it comes to Men vs. Boys, do Men really wait three days to call? Does a real man even play “dating games?” ~ Games are Lame

A: This is almost a loaded question with many possible pitfalls. I’ll try to navigate the best I can.

First, there’s really nothing wrong with what this guy did. You two had a conversation, he seemed interested and got your number. After reconsidering, he didn’t call. Who knows what his intentions were that evening, but he decided against getting to know you further. Could he have done something differently? If he were completely honest, deciding the next day that he wasn’t interested, he could call and say so, but I think that would probably make you feel worse. My call is: No harm, no foul. It’s just a part of the ridiculous dance of dating.

As for games, there’s far too many definitions to give a definite yes-or-no answer. Men absolutely play games; Men flirt, banter and do the other little things that help to establish whether or not there’s interest. It’s part of the fun of being single, really the only fun part about being single. Men are not robotic; they need to decide whether or not there is interest in either direction. If you’re meeting Men in a bar, it is really they only way to start the conversation. No one sane ever meets a guy at a bar and thinks, “I bet he would be a great father and husband, willing to help do the dishes and would get along with my mom.” It’s all about charisma and attraction, which is done best in playful interaction.

The games of which you speak, the manipulative, crazy behaviors that have been codified in some ridiculous books, are not the realm of Men. AskMen.com has a columnist, Doc Love, who instructs men on the game. I faithfully read him for a while, more out of humor than education. His advice is based on pretty superficial theories of how men and women interact. In fact, according to him, I’m a wuss who needs to realize that dating is a war, and women pick their men based on their strength, money and power.

Look, folks, I know it’s tough out there. I couldn’t be happier that I’m out of the scene and in a healthy relationship. But life is tough and the world is pretty bumpy. Dating is really all about finding the relationship that suits your needs. Some guys are insecure, wanting to date society’s perfect ten, regardless of personality, just to feel validated in their manhood. Other guys are insecure and want a woman who will validate him in other ways, be it through submissiveness, sex or other sacrifices. There are also women out there with the same urges and are willing to play along. In fact, I might go so far as to say these people are in the majority. I’m not interested in that. I speak in the realm of maturity; finding a partner that compliments you and enjoys with you the good and bad of life. I just can’t fathom having a good relationship while significant insecurities are getting in the way.

Games are Lame, I think you’ve brought up a very good subject about which I’m going to have to give some thought. I promise I’ll get back to this subject. For now, I hope I’ve answered your question.

Honoring Women

I was away for the weekend and ended up at a dinner with a few young (24-30) people sitting around shooting the breeze. None of us really knew each other — we had only met within hours or days — but our common age inevitably led to a conversation about relationships, dating and marriage. There were four distinctive perspectives, including my own, that were brought to the discussion, and they varied widely. In summary:

• Guy #1: Conservative Christian, understands women’s new role in society but seemed to focus on the concept of “honoring” women. Married young, currently about 24 with a 20-ish wife and three kids.
• Guy #2: From Scotland, 28ish and married to an American woman. Decided to move to the U.S. after meeting her. Easy going, seems to believe that going with the flow in the relationship makes the most sense. No kids, none soon.
• Girl #1: Somewhat conservative from the heart of the South, though is generally unimpressed with women’s decision making. She’s engaged and Catholic, though talked about how her friends would criticize her for “being picky.”
• Me.

The conversation was pretty in-depth, frankly a bit too in-depth for a night out at a microbrewery. But it led me to realize that we are all searching and, many times, coming to completely different conclusions.

Much of where I see the world is as a result of a mostly liberal upbringing. I am Catholic, but was raised at a parish that focused much more on the concepts of love and labor rather than judgment. I saw relationships I admired and was determined to find someone who saw the world as a constant challenge, but one that can be made better if taken on as a team.

What I learned that night was that we all have completely different perspectives. For instance, Guy #1 kept talking about how he thought the world was better when women were “honored.” The best I could tell, this meant that it was better when Men took on the world while Women were protected at home, serving in a family management role. Guy #2 mostly said little, but what he did say — that he and his wife make a lot of decisions together — made sense for someone who was willing to leave his homeland for his wife. Girl #1 complained about how crazy women were, lying to themselves and staying in bad relationships just to get to a wedding, not realizing that the real effort should be put into living in a healthy relationship. I kept with my typical lines — the world IS different, I don’t know if some romanticized past is better because I didn’t live in it, we all need to grow up and learn how to communicate, etc. — and we all went on to live our own lives. In the end, who am I to completely disagree with two married guys and a woman who is 3 months away from marriage after a 14-month engagement?

I left there feeling a little bit empty. I try to come to rational conclusions, coming up with the “best way” to go about things. I tried making sense of each of my age mates’ situations by fitting it into my own framework. Then it hit me…

We all came to our own conclusions because we’re all trying to fill different needs. Some people need to be the men of the house, I suppose it puts them in a better position to “honor” their wives. Some women feel better as the lead, allowing the men to shine the spotlight on them. Most importantly, there are the significant others in these relationships who enjoy their roles as well. These relationships work, not because they follow a specific formula, but because both people have figured out how to meet each other’s needs.

The lesson in all of this is that we need to learn to be VERY HONEST with ourselves in order to best understand what we want in our own lives. Society’s definition of the “ideal” has changed drastically, yet there are people who continue to live and love in the spectrum of relationships. So, for those single people out there, maybe you need to be brutally honest about what feels good in a relationship versus what you believe should be. Starting there will help you find someone that will fill your needs, not the ones that TV tells you to have.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

That Point In His Life

Q: I’m 24 and have been dating this guy on and off for a few years. For right now, we’re off. He’s talked about us getting back together and I’m still figuring out what I want to do. He said that he realized that he was at that point of his life and he’s ready to settle down. I think I’m at that point too. I just don’t know what to do now. Does it make any sense for me to consider it? – Should I Go Back

A: The questions keep comin’, don’t they…

I would need so much more information than what you’ve given me to really tell you which way to pull the trigger. I’m sorry to disappoint, but there just seems like there’s so much more there than just “What should I do?” Maybe you could send me a more detailed story and let me cut it down for the blog instead of giving me you Reader’s Digest version.

However, if you don’t mind, SIGB, I’m going to cherry pick one part of your question. You mentioned that he said that he was “at that point of his life.” You even said that you were too. I say you both need to be more honest with yourselves

We say these things as much to ourselves as we do to those around us. My favorite example is from a good friend of mine who has been a salesman for the better part of forty years. When discussing the secret to closing a deal, he said, “If the person you’re selling to says, ‘I’m not going to buy today,’ you might as well pull out the pen for him to sign on the dotted line.” In other words, we try to convince ourselves that we’re at a place mentally that we’re really not.

Instead of trying to feel all grown up and ready to take the plunge into a relationship that should, theoretically, last the next 50+ years or so, why not take a step back? Why can’t you just date, this guy or other people? What makes it so important to have this very committed relationship where neither person is free to see what is out there in the world? Our parents had it right when they dated several people casually (this is different than casual sex, mind you) and got to know what was good and bad about people before they know what to tie themselves to for the rest of their lives. Somehow we’ve trained ourselves to find ONE person to whom we devote ALL of our precious hearts, despite the fact that neither person in the relationship really knows the responsibility involve.

Look, everyone… please stop allowing this big thing called societal pressure to influence what your relationships are. Societal norms suck and they make a lot of people miserable. Figure out who you are and what you want. If I hear one more YOUNG (22-30) woman lament about the possibility of her never finding love, I’ll start clubbing baby seals. Take a step back! Look at your whole life and see how another person will be a positive in your world instead of dragging you down. NO ONE should have to analyze their relationship this much. Geez…

The Boy’s Back-Up Plan

Q: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me in October. He said he didn’t want to do a long distance relationship anymore, but said he could see us being together in the future. Two months later, I found out he started dating his ex again. Now, he is in the same city as me, and she is 6 hours away. He says he wants to be friends. I’m just confused. HELP! – Next to Ex

A: This reminds me of a long-standing joke from my younger days when I first thought of running for office. I realized that there were two things that could solve all of the world’s problems: rat poison; and KY lubricant. I decided on a campaign slogan, too: “KY to get you in, rat poison to get you out!” I’ve yet to meet someone who can find a situation where one of the two is not a solution.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah. The Boy needs some rat poison, preferably mixed in the batter of a friendship cake you bake. I suggest Devil’s Food with Chocolate icing. Shall we call it “Death by Chocolate?”

Ok, so maybe that’s a little extreme. To put it bluntly, you’re the back-up plan. He’s kept the door open in case the 6-hour ex-but-current-girl doesn’t work out, which it won’t (I have a hunch that he’ll miss the physical aspects of the relationship far too much to stay faithful). In psychology, it has been proven that intermittent reinforcement — like the times he talks about keeping the door open or talks as “friends” — is the strongest kind of reinforcement. So, now you’re obsessing over his every move, waiting to pounce when the winds shift his boyish little member in your direction.

Ask yourself, “What is he giving me in this relationship?” Do you think he’s putting as much energy into you as you are him (and yes, you are if you’re writing to an advice blogger asking about what to do about him)? The honest answer is that you’re trying harder than he is. Is there any guy, no matter how attractive, how much history there is, or any other assets he might possess that is worth this silliness? Another question I tell people to ask themselves in this situation is, “If my ‘friend’ and his girl get married, would my ‘friend’ and I still be comfortable being ‘friends’ without any weird feelings at all?” If not, then its not a friendship, it’s crazy pseudo-dating. Period.

My suggestion? Talk to him plainly about the fact that his previous insinuations of dating again and his current interest in being “friends” while he’s attached just doesn’t sit well with you. It’s an either-or situation for you, or at least it should be. Acknowledge to him that his staying in the picture is holding you back from being open to other guys, so you have to make the best choice for you. Frankly, no matter what his response, it doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to commit one way or the other. He’s gotta go so you can move on.

As a general rule, if there’s this much agonizing about the are-we-dating-should-we-be-dating stuff, then it’s probably a bad deal. Maturity is about separating the emotions from what you rationally know is best, then acting on the rational. Despite how hard the rational decision is, it is much easier than the long, torturous relationship that would exist if you chose to try to make it work.

The Man Test

Everyone wants to know if there is a Man litmus test, as if somehow Boys and Men have a tattoo on their foreheads indicating their maturity level. Frankly, ladies, that’s why it’s called dating.

Not to be so harsh, I’ve compiled some outward indicators that a guy is a Boy. Here’s a partial list:

• He’s at a dance club wearing a striped shirt.
• He’s doing a keg stand or is wearing a beer hat.
• Two words: face paint.
• He’s wearing a t-shirt declaring himself to be open for an immediate sexual rendezvous, a supporter of single moms, possessing abnormally sized genitals, extremely interest in sex, or incredibly attractive.
• Old guy hits on a young woman.
• He can’t discreetly check you, or any another other woman, out.
• He’s having conversations with your chest.
• He asks questions like, “Why would a guy ever date a woman over 30?”
• He mentions other girls’ sexual prowess.
• He uses a pick up line.
• He attaches a scrotum-like decoration to his vehicle.
• He talks about himself, his career, his hobbies constantly, and gives you his business card when asking you to call him sometime.
• He’s dodging you a-la he’s just not that into you style.

The truth is, you can tell with your gut instinct and with his behavior. The single biggest mistake women make is trying to dissect guy behavior. Here’s a litmus test for yourself: if you need to rationalize, over-think, make excuses or convince your friends, then he’s probably a Boy. End of story.