A comment was left on this site regarding the post Honoring Women by a guy named Dave. He agreed that there are many different frameworks for successful relationships, then mentioned the concept of the wife-led marriage. In his comment, he mentioned the web site www.aroundherfinger.com. I reserved my judgment until I had the chance to read the web site.
Dave, I appreciate your comment and the fact that you read my post, I really do. It is great that you understood that there are different dynamics in a relationship. However, I can’t really see how this is healthy as a long-term relationship dynamic. I know I’m picking a fight — I’m noticing that I’m getting a few hits as a result of a search for “wife-led marriage” — but I guess that’s what this format is all about.
Reading aroundherfinger.com was sort of like reading L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics, one of the canonized books of Scientology. In the beginning, the site talks about the woman taking the control in what would be traditionally described as the male role. I first bristled, then caught myself, thinking, “Hey, I can understand a man-led household based on ‘traditionalism,’ why can’t I accept a similar arrangement with the woman as the lead?” Despite my open mind, I quickly learned that “woman-led” was a euphemism. You see, according to this site, a woman-led relationship means that the woman uses domination, including punishments/rewards, with her husband. She controls every aspect of the relationship, and those activities that she chooses not to control are “delegated” to the husband, who is kept on a short leash, so-to-speak.
The most disturbing aspect, I think, is the use of sex and “orgasmic rewards” as a major motivator, like a Milk Bone to a Jack Russel terrier. The web site says this outright in its FAQ section. Quote:
“While the wife is definitely in charge of the household, she needs to remain active in keeping her husband motivated and excited about this arrangement. She does this via the overt exercise of her authority, strategic orgasm denial, and aggressively flirting and teasing you during the course of the week. “
Another FAQ Quote:
“Ideally, the household finances should be consolidated and managed by the woman. The husband should operate under a budget that she approves, and he can appeal to his wife for exceptions to that budget. If, as a practical matter, the wife feels that she wants to defer the administrative component of managing the money (e.g. balancing a checkbook) then she can delegate this task as she would any other. If she decides to delegate this task, however, it is important that she get regular and frequent updates on the status of income and expenses in the home.”
Perhaps I’m a bit too new-fashioned, but I can’t quite see how this is a functional relationship, long-term. I’m sure that the concept of domination/submission, for those who enjoy that type of sexual experience, is a great thrill. But, the entire structure implies that sexuality is something to be used, rather than something to be shared.
This has to be the product of distorted thinking, of some sort of kiss-the-ground-she-walks-on worship that is damaging to both involved. If it works and is functional for those living it, then I can respect that it is keeping their relationships together. For me, however, I couldn’t possibly recommend this.